I came across this quote recently and it totally got to me. This statement is 1,000,000,000% true. It’s like the modern version of Albert Einstein’s saying, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”
Have you ever asked yourself why things turn out the same way over and over again? Let’s say you had an argument with your spouse. Maybe you yell, criticize or give them silent treatment. After all is said and done, you are just sick and tired of this endless cycle. Does this sound like you? Try approaching things differently.
Let’s say you have tried to do things differently but you go on auto-pilot when you’re in a conflict and have a hard time restraining yourself. Me too. Old habits die hard. These habits have a name…
The unconscious kind of behavior we don’t actively choose to do, the kind that just comes out when we’re triggered. The passive aggressiveness, criticism, silent treatment, etc. Sound familiar? Those behaviors we dislike so much used to serve us. At one point, they helped us avoid some pain and our minds learned that’s what we need to do to avoid feeling hurt like that again. Now, whenever we get triggered, our mind goes back to what was effective in the past and it tries to protect us, meaning that behavior has become our coping mechanism. But is that coping mechanism still serving you or is it taking you further and further away from what you’d like? A healthy relationship.
It’s not impossible to change, but it is difficult. You have to be intentional with changing and decide to make that choice EVERY single day. You can even call our self-sabotage an addiction. We get into a routine of doing things a certain way and anything outside of that routine is BAD in our unconscious minds. It likes consistency and reliability. But this addiction to what’s safe is actually our addiction to fear. Bold statement, I know, but hear me out. Our minds do everything they can to protect us, but are we in danger all that often? Unless you have hungry bears or lions after you, you aren’t. The “dangers” we face are the risks we put ourselves in for the sake of personal growth.
This could come up in the form of going for a career change and your mind is telling you that you’re not able to succeed and just keep doing what you’re doing (safe), leaving a toxic relationship and your mind telling you that you don’t deserve someone better and it’s really not that bad (safe), or being honest with your family about how you’d like things to be but your mind telling you to just be more patient it’s fine (safe). What kind of thoughts come up when you think about doing something differently?
I ‘m not worthy of happiness.
I’m not good enough.
Happiness is for OTHER people.
And then what happens? You end up feeling like crap. That is, unless you RESPOND to those thoughts instead of listening to them. Responding might sound something like this:
I deserve all the happiness, people who love me want this for me too.
I AM good enough. I am a work in progress and so is everyone else.
Happiness is for EVERYONE. I deserve it as much as anyone else.
It is so easy to fall back on what we’ve been told by other people in our past or even by ourselves. Don’t believe that junk. Start replacing those thoughts with the thoughts that you curate. Ask yourself how you want to be and nurture yourself with healthy thoughts to foster a growth mindset, but also give yourself grace for when you make mistakes. Change is hard and it takes effort and time. Failure is just a lesson, if you choose to see it that way. Think of all the years you’ve been functioning this way. As much as we’d love to snap our fingers to change in an instant, it just doesn’t work that way. So give yourself time and grace.
So, change something and get yourself out of feeling stuck! If you only make one change today, change how you talk to yourself. Watch how everything else unfolds once you do.
Pro Tip: Every morning, write down 3 positive affirmations and 3 things you’re grateful for. This has detoxified my mindset for the better. If you’d like more tips on how to practice self care, download my guide below! You got this!
P.S. If you are constantly arguing with your husband, read my guide on how to reconnect in your marriage (after kids)!
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